Will i ever get over my moms death?

I mean i was 10 when she died. I was also there when she had her stroke..and my aunt was on the phone and i had to talk to my aunt..and until this day im scared to talk on the phone. I mean ill talk on it but it terrifies me. Does that have anything to do with it? And i was also there as soon as she died. She said to my grandma that she didnt feel right..my grandma rubbed her leg and said ull be ok and my moms eyes were glassy and as soon as my grandma turned her back to her she died. It kills me typing this. i went to counslers. And also recently my cousins mom was stabbed but she lived but she was in the ICU for a few days. And i guess this is the devil in me but I wish she could have passed so my cousins could go thru the same pain that I go through. The ysay ur suppose to rejoice death but I cant. Everytime someone tries to get me to talk about my mom..I look away from them so i wont cry and change the subject.It hurts my so bad. I still ask questions. My other aunt has been in the ICU at least 5 times. and acts like she doesnt want to live. no kidding. I always ask why couldnt i have had my mom in the same condition? I wish my mom could hav been stabbed and lived instead of dying. I usually cant help but listen to sad songs.I hold 95% of my tears back when me and my family sit and talk about her. I feel like itll just get harder and harder. Then my grandma is gettin up in age and keeps talking about death. How can i let anyone know how I feel? I have taken anti-depressants and everything. Sorry this is long but i just had to get it off my chest. But help please!? Will it ever get easier?